By PJ the DJ | Entertainment by Native Fire

The night before Thanksgiving, people come to karaoke to get away from their families. Then they walk in, see their families, and say, “Well, shoot. Who’s watching the turkey?”

I don’t know. I’ve got three slips that say Mike, and two of them are in the same handwriting. I’ve got my own problems.

1. The One Who Wants Me to Call Her Anything but Mom

She puts in “Pour Some Sugar on Me” and tells me, “Call me Vixen tonight.”

Okay, Vixen. But when you stop halfway through the song to tell Brian his leftovers are in the garage fridge, you gotta give me something to work with.

2. The Guy Who Says He Can Sing Anything

He leans on my booth and says, “Surprise me.”

I say, “Cher.”

“Anything country.”

I say, “Dolly.”

“Anything by a man.”

Oh, for crying out loud. I’ll put in “Friends in Low Places” like you wanted when you walked over here.

3. The Sister Who’s Here to Be Supportive

Her brother gets up to sing “Tennessee Whiskey.” She pulls out her phone and records the whole thing.

When he sits down, he asks, “Was I good?”

She says, “Mom wants to know if you picked up the folding chairs.”

I’ve heard some brutal reviews in my time. That one came with an errand.

4. The Woman Running Thanksgiving From Table Six

She’s on the phone explaining where the roasting pan is when I call her name.

She holds up a finger, says, “Bottom drawer. Under the cookie sheets,” and walks up to sing “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.”

Halfway through, her watch lights up. She looks at it and says into the mic, “Under the cookie sheets, Ron.”

Three women at the bar yell, “Under!” Ron had better find that silly pan.

5. The Uncle Who Wants to Thank Everybody

He asks if he can say a few words before his song.

He thanks his wife, his kids, the bartender, and the guy who covered his shift. Then he says, “And last but certainly not least, PJ.”

Buddy, I appreciate it, but you’re singing “Tequila.” You just used more words thanking me than you’re gonna use in the entire song.

6. The Guy Who Wants a Copy of the Video

He comes up after singing “My Way” and asks if anybody got it on video. His daughter says, “I did, Dad. Want me to send it?”

He says, “Just the good part.”

She watches it for a second. “You want the part where everybody clapped?”

He says, “Yeah. Start there.”

7. The KJ Who Needs to Mind Her Own Business

That would be me. I’ll spend all night telling people, “Just hand me the slip. I don’t need the whole story.”

Then somebody crosses out “Beth” on a duet slip, writes in “Tina,” and I’m over there going, “Hang on. Who on earth is Tina?”

Turns out Tina’s his wife. Beth’s his sister. Everybody’s fine. I’m the only one disappointed.

Which one are you bringing to karaoke? If it’s Ron, somebody check his trunk. The folding chairs are probably in there.

— PJ the DJ